I have ups, I have downs. Recently I’ve had a lot of downs. I was writing as if reflecting on a history of issues that I’m at the better end of. I’m Not sure that’s the case… completely at least.
I haven’t written for a while. Not least because I’ve been a nightmare… feeling pretty down a lot. I have a new role at work and I love it. I’m a different person there… I help people and even if I say so myself I’m good at it. And people tell me. And i like it. So I keep doing it. Lots. I’ve worked 20hr, 21hr shifts. I think it’s because I’m addicted to that feeling. The feeling of pure positive me. Colleagues refer to me as the example, as a together, efficient and talented individual… a number ask when I’ll be leading this organisation. I like that, the thought that in one part of my life I am exceptional.
Only I’m not. There’s a whole other half of my life that’s pretty poor. And I’ve been ignoring it. And when you ignore it, it gets worse. People around you get worse. It’s toxic. And left unchecked it can feel pretty debilitating. I had been doing so well and as a result I was given enough rope to hang myself… not literally, I’m not there yet. Nor will I be. But it’s just a given I’ll be ok. I’m not sure I will be, not without some serious work. That’s why I’m back here I suppose.
I want to work out how I take the positives from my work me and teach home me… it feels like two people and I’m not sure how one can influence the other. And if they can, how I make sure the right one influences the other.
I’m fairly sure that the confidence I exude is an obvious veneer of anyone probes deep enough… and only this week, 2 months in, has anyone tried. I think I have a glimpse of sadness as my 14hour enthusiasmathon cracked. My colleague just looked at me and asked ‘are you ok?’ But sincerely, like she really was asking. I said no, in My head. I said I am so sick of trying to be hyper and jumping with positivity that I just want to hide in a hole for the next week. In my head. I said, aloud, ‘absolutely fantastic thanks, you?’ With a beaming smile. I hope she didn’t buy it. I think she could really help me.
Anyway… ups and downs, ups and downs. I’m always going to have challenges and this part of my life is no exception. I’m back on here keeping focus on the fact I have issues and they aren’t insurmountable. Nothing’s insurmountable. I just occasionally need to refocus, and make sure I don’t hurt too many people in the process. Whenever you’re like this, I like to focus on the fact I was once fun loving and positive in all aspects of my life. I will be again.