Just Deserts

It’s finally come. I’ve just done this for too long.

I’m currently sat in my car where I will be spending my 2nd night. I have little to do other than think… and write.

I’ve left the house. My wife has just been hurt too much to stay. We had dinner together three days ago and I honestly believed I was going to be asked to leave the house. We sat there for many different periods of silence where I was waiting for the start of the end.

I should have been talking about anything. Trying to make it better. But I wasn’t. I was sat there in silence just waiting. But but it didnt come. We went home to sleep with few words spoken.

But it played on me. And the next day at work I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went home at lunch and cried. And sent a message to my wife saying what I thought was coming. I was at a friend’s that night and didnt get a response until much later. When I did I realised how much pain I had inflicted on the woman I love most in the world. She sounded broken and she sounded hurt. I read and again cried. I’ve cried a lot recently. I didn’t reply but instead waited until the next day when I knew I’d see her.

We put the kids to bed and I hugged them more than I ever have. I told them both I loved them and I kissed them. I then went downstairs and after a few more distractions we started. It didn’t take long. I knew. I knew what I had to do and as soon as she said that she thought about whether I needed to leave to heal, I knew that was what I had to do. I am too toxic. I am too selfish right now.

I went upstairs and packed my stuff. I went downstairs to see my wife crying. I was crying. I was losing my mind. But she is the victim, she’s the one being caused so much pain. I picked up my things and left.

I had no idea what to do. I left and drove. And walked. And drove. And parked near work and slept in the car. I then went to work and after work I drove and now I’m here within striking distance of my wife looking to sleep again in my car.

I hate this. I hate what I’ve done to my wife and kids. I feel out of control and I now don’t know what to do. I do however know she needs a break. And that this isn’t about me. I miss her already. I miss my kids so much and it’s the worst feeling thinking I can’t just go there and cuddle them right now. But this is more important than me. She has been an angel here and it may be that her future is better without me. I have to wait and look at what I can do to improve and make myself better. Right now it’s too soon to know what that is. So, for now, I’m sitting in the dark tapping on my phone getting more and more upset as I write rather self obsessed drivel about how hard my life is whilst there are people actually suffering. I really hope I find out how to fix this before I lose them for good.

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