Having been in my car for almost a week the time came to speak to my wife about things. She asked me to come over and she very calmly and as usual correctly explained why we are in the position we are in. Because of me. She said all the things that I would expect, only nicer. And when it came to me speaking I managed nowhere near the same eloquence. But, I do have something to say:
For my wife
I love you. I have struggled selfishly with so much internally that i have excluded you from my life. And I’ve hurt you. I wish i could stand in front of you and express my feelings the way you express yours. But i can’t, not in person anyway. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a man or because I’m me. But either way it doesn’t matter.
You have today received a link to this, I’ve been writing a little bit over the last 6 months or so. It’s no Shakespeare, but it’s all me.
This is as much detail as I’ve been able to muster to date. It’s things I’ve been thinking and a brief summary of a few key things. There’s so much more I have in my head and I’d have loved to wait to show you but I feel this is about the right time given we are still very much on talking terms.
I’m going to keep going I think and if you want to talk about anything in here we can, but if you don’t that’s fine too as you’ll always be welcome here now. I’ve never really said this much to you, as you know I’m not a ‘feeler’, and though that is bad enough i suppose the fact that many other people have read my thoughts before you may or may not make this even worse.
But, if it’s any consolation, it was necessary… to make sense of things myself and to feel like I’m not alone and can talk to someone. I haven’t actually talked to someone in this, but I am talking and some people seem to be listening so I suppose in a way talking to people is what I have been doing. And they are far cheaper than the counsellor and I’ve tried and failed that too.
It may help to know I started writing this particular entry the day I wrote my first blog and continued to write the pieces often sat next to you. This has been in no small part to help me, but it has always been for you. I always wanted you to know the things I’ve wanted to say but were always locked in my head. Or know what I’m doing when disappearing, or how I am at a particular moment. Whilst we aren’t at a place that this may help right now, at least you know my inner most thoughts alongside any of the other completely random strangers reading this.
This isn’t anything other than to help understand, I hope it does add something. Please start at the beginning and work your way up. They aren’t long, or profound, but each means a lot to me. I hope they will to you too.